Every yo yo dieter experiences moments of pain, but also moments of pure joy when they’re at the top. Joy is when you find yourself back in the body you want. Joy for me hits around 200 lbs flat, which I just hit this week!
What does it mean for me to hit that goal?
Well one of the biggest joys for me is simple: fitting into a normal BATH TOWEL. At my biggest, I’ve been handed a towel that can only be compared to a hand towel in contrast to my body. That leads to this sinking feeling, like I just word vomited to a woman I’m gaga over. You know that feeling. It’s like you’re going to throw up, but have to suck it up and deal with it with a smile. I grin as I walk away with a ‘thank you’ and not a ‘shoot me,’ happy that tooth brushes come in one size.
The dilemma that ensues is I’m left to choose if I would like to fully cover my boobs or my box and what a decision! I end up deciding to do a tight wrap around the side leaving a slice of me open that I cover with an arm that’s just too short to get every roll. Then I scoot in the hall, look both ways, disregard the light and run. The risk of falling is just as bad to me as the risk of them seeing THAT SLICE.
At this point, it’s not even about hating that body. It is about experiencing a moment of pain where you have no privacy and other people do. Privacy of how much you want to share of your own body, privacy to blend, like everyone else.
Privacy. You don’t have much privacy getting weighed at the top of a water slide and told you maxed past the weight limit, told to walk back down the 5 flights of stairs. Not much privacy when the lap band won’t close on the roller coaster so they yell out to ‘RELEASE ROW 4″ and ask you to leave through the line because WOULDN’T IT BE A CRIME IF YOU LET SOMEONE OUT THE EXIT WITHOUT RIDING? Not much privacy, when you’re asked to move seats when you just wanted to blend.
Not much privacy when you smash a chair in front of a crowd, getting their attention, without the applause. The fat, little mermaid in me would say “I’ve broken wood chairs and metal galore. You’ve got wicker? I broke twenty! And I’ll break moooore.”
The world is simply not made for bigger bodies and believe me, it lets you know.
Joy, at the top, is knowing you won’t experience those pains indefinitely (or at least until you gain it back.)
Now, did I hate that body? No, not all the time. However I did experience and absolutely hate those pains. Sometimes I felt they hurt more because I knew that other life.
What I did hate was my decreased speed on the rugby pitch. I hated how stairs felt, how much I would sweat in a normal day even at work. I hated how people would look at me while I ate in public, no matter what I ate or how much I ate.
I hated the pains, but I realized I had to stop seeing my body for what it can’t do and instead for what it can. Fat Michie can still play rugby and is still a SMASH without the speed (a slow truck, if you will.) Fat Michie can still ride a bike and hills are way more WILD. Fat Michie can still dance and it’s just as AWFUL, but FUN.
I knew as a yo yo dieter, I had to start loving my body where it was or I would end up fighting my entire life for some ideal that is just not possible.
I believe you can be working on your body and still love your body.
You can put on your babe-ing outfit and get out there. You can STILL want to be smaller, faster and wish you could still do that regular, non knee to the ground pushup.
That’s what it is for me. Weight loss is more than just physical appearance, way more. Weight loss is about pain loss, injury healing. Weight loss is about fitness. Weight loss is about hopefully one day getting that god damn strict pull up that I have wanted since the 4th grade.
I work on my body because I want to be a better athlete, not a better person.
Things to love at the top:
- Cheaper clothing that doesn’t look like a moo moo
- Getting on that ride
- RUNNING up the stairs or hill
- Your parents being proud of you
Things to love at the bottom:
- Room for progress! The journey back is always easier! You already have the tools!
- Knowing you’re just as worthy in that body
- The fact that your parents are still proud of you just the same because it never had to do with weight loss
- Whatever level of ability you are, you are ALIVE and so many good people you know are not
- Your life for all the other good things and people you have because my goodness, please don’t spend your entire life worrying about what your body looks like
Now these are mine, but you have to find your own reasons to love your body NOW. Not when you’re “better” or more fit or more blonde or more anything. You need to work on that body love because if you don’t love your body now, you are not going to love it skinny either. You will always be fighting for skinnier, for tighter, for more perfect.
Yo yo dieters and normies alike, let’s fight for the right to love our bodies.
so proud of you!