FAT FOREVER 

Sometimes I think I’m going to be fat forever at this point. I get really upset and think I hate this body. I can’t help but be honest. I want to love my body. I really do. 

But loving your body can be the hardest work because you’re always comparing yourself to your own past self. You’re always going to be getting older and you’re never going to be able to do the things you did 10 years ago. 

It’s just a really hard reality for me as an athlete. Having extra weight on me means I can’t do a lot of things I used to do. And I’ve written to death about weight limits, so there’s many things that I truly can’t do.  

BODY LIMITATIONS

The majority of people understand body limitations in some way. We’ve all been injured, or scraped up at least. We’ve all gotten older, and been able to do more or less depending. 

Right now, I’m working hard to love my current body. I’m working to find the gratitude for what I can do. 

My current body is not in competition with my past body. 

My past body has done so much but it’s also experienced so much limitations. Injury left me without the ability to walk for months and right now I can run. I can drive. I don’t have to bother my friend Lucia to get me to work because my driving leg is messed up. 

I am so blessed to do all of these things. I’m so blessed for independence. 

I appreciate and I’m so happy with all the things I got to do with my young and younger body.

Right now though, I’ve never been so happy in these other parts in my life. 

I have a partner I adore and love coming home too. I have a job that makes me feel fulfilled even if insanely tired some days. I have hobbies and friends I enjoy going to visit. I have family I have fun with and confide in. 

My body doesn’t limit me from those things. 

And for that I find joy. I love going on walks with my family and friends. I love being active in the ways that I can. 

BODY POSITIVE

Now I am all for the body positive movement and loving your body. We have to absolutely work every second to love the body we have. 

That does not mean that I won’t work fiercely day in and night to try to make this body healthier. That IS body positive to me. Loving my body right now but working to make it HEALTHIER. 

There’s no shame in saying I’m not the healthiest version of myself right now. And I want to be healthier. 

Does that come with weight loss? 

Maybe 

That is not the end all be all though. That’s not the goal. The goal is wellness. The goal is being better, leveling up to a healthier version of yourself.

PROGRESS OVER PERFECTION 

Right now I feel a lot more fit and healthy than I did 2 months ago. I’m still bopping around the same 10 lb up and down. And yet I truly feel different. 

Body positive doesn’t mean we get rid of the desire to better our body.

And maybe this time around in my yo-yo dieting life. I am fat forever. That’s hard, but it’s okay. 

I’ll still always work to be a better athlete, to move in any ways my body still can. 

I appreciate the things I can do more than most. I’m active in my pursuit of gratitude for what my body can do now as I have been at every level of ability. 

From injury to weight gain, I have felt my body go to true extremes. 

FIT ME 

I’m not going to lie and I will not pretend I don’t love and miss that 180 lb version of myself. 

The thing is when I think about that person, she’s not who I want to be because she’s skinny. 

She’s who I want to be because she can run 10 mi. She’s who I want to be because it was so fun to feel so light on my feet doing any activity. 

At this point, I want to find joy and relish in the fact that I’ve accomplished such feats. Truly, I have worked and put my body through the ringer and that feels damn good. I’m proud of that, but I have to realize that I don’t need to be at an extreme level of fitness to be worthy of love and happiness and even movement. 

I’m worthy of figuring out things I can do and not just giving up on this body. I’m all for body positivity, and being a big fabulous babe. That doesn’t mean I don’t get to work on this body. And I will be body positive enough to live out loud doing it. 

Living out loud means I still get to do the things I want to do in public. I’m going to go to the beach. I’m going to wear a bikini. I’m going to run comfortably. I’m going to be body positive enough, to love the body I have right now or fight for that at least…

because in the end we’re all going to go down with the ship. This is the one body we got. 

Love yourself enough to work on yourself while appreciating what you have now.