GALLBLADDER SURGERY, 2009


I have officially reached my highest weight since 2009, when I was eating so much that I caused myself to have an extreme gallbladder attack.

My mother blamed the meatball eating contest I was in at the Italian festival which was, of course, my body’s last straw. I, however, tried to convince myself it was just a random twist of fate, like ‘baby I was born this way’. How could I have caused this? Me? Nope nope. Not my fault.

But damn, I’m good at an eating contest…

Anyway the gallbladder attack turned into a full fledged war and infection, a seven day battle with hospitals asking them to please keep me since I could not keep down water or food at all. Finally, after being hydrated and sent home a handful of times, an MRI declared this was an actual issue, an imminent one. I was rushed into a rough emergency removal surgery. The surgeon later said he had to wrestle the infected organ out of my body since it had gotten to the size of an eggplant, when it should be a mere pickle.

CYCLING BODY


Since then, my body has transformed back and forth many times. The life of a yo yo dieter is never settled, my body always changing. No matter what though, in all those years I have never ever gotten within 20 pounds of where I am now.

That is a hard pill to swallow, and I think I’m still choking on it a bit right now.

As time has gone on, I have accepted my responsibility in the issues with my gallbladder, and body in general. My relationship with food has never been the best, and now I know I live a life where I need to actively think about nutrition more than the average person.

My body WANTS to be big and when I don’t think about it, it gets it’s wishes.

My natural tendency is big, and maybe larger than life people are that way. The things I love, I just love so much, and food is one of the things I love most.

As usual, when I get to the higher, end now highest, end of my weight threshold, I realize I have to get myself to some form of healthy again.

I’m at the point where stairs hurt and doing a simple workout leaves me almost incapacitated for a few days. This is when I really start getting nervous and realizing I am absolutely prone to type 2 diabetes and I have got to get my shit together.

Honestly, when this happens there’s no other way for me to describe the feeling except horrifying. It is truly like a horror movie when all of a sudden (at least it feels like all of a sudden) I go from feeling like an athlete and being able to do things that I’m so impressed with myself and proud of, to not being able to walk around my school building without sweating or being so out of breath that it can feel mortifying. I mean I know what that looks like and I know what I would think seeing someone in my condition. That’s what I would describe it as, a condition.

SOLUTION FOCUSED


It’s been exceptionally hard for me to adjust with my changing schedule and trying to figure out how to make my body move in ways that make me feel good with the time I do have, knowing that a lot of things that usually make me feel good, don’t make me feel good right now.

Right now I am just trying to start the change and focus on solutions, not deficits. There needs to be a change and at least I’ve recognized that.

Today, a novel, yet simple thing changed my morning. I have a fold up exercise bike and it’s honestly been way too chaotic in my apartment space to even get the bike out.

My partner Shawn and I have cleaned our living room space and so he made the suggestion to make part of the evening shutting down of the apartment to include getting that bike out and bringing it to the living room to set it up for the next morning.

This morning I got maybe 5-10 minutes in and it was all the difference. I stretched a little, got on the bike, went slow and then went really hard for a few minutes. I got my heart rate up. And then I got in the shower and did my normal morning routine.

I feel so much better with that 5 to 10 minutes and I know I can get another 15 minutes in when I get home before I put the bike away.

It’s really important to me to have a clear space, free of clutter, where I spend my time. Because of this, I’ve always been very strict on myself about putting the bike away when I was done. Allowing myself the freedom and flexibility to change that habit has already made all the difference. I think this shift can really be the catalyst for a bigger change, and the fact that I can see it means I can get there again.

Before you can ever make a change, you have to commit to changing a habit, something small at first, and believing that the change will put you where you need to be in time.

MINDSET

My mindset is different. I feel it. Even the fact that I felt the urge to write and reflect on how I’m feeling shows I’m ready for the change finally. Mindset is everything. I need to work on being mentally strong again.

The same is true with my writing right now. My mindset is different. I’ve actually been writing a lot, but I don’t have the time to truly edit and normally that’s a huge part of my writing. In fact, editing usually takes the most time. And so, in this new mindset, I’m taking a step back from perfection.

Right now, I want to get things down so I can come back and explore these ideas later. That’s the beauty of writing. It’s like you get to talk to your past self and see a glimmer of something you might need to learn again.

Make time to do what you love and learn and relearn all the things that glimmer for you.

Read Write Run, Michie. I’m with you.

“Always find your way back to her,” the her you want to be.