6 YEARS AND SOME MONTHS AGO
Activity/ Place: Clothing Shopping Solo and First Pedicure, Albany, NY
Date: October 14, 2014
Age: 25 years old
THOUGHTS OF A SPINNING MIND
Why do I fall for people who don’t love me?
Is it because I don’t even love me?
I’m not sure if everyone is like this, but sometimes my brain just spins on ideas like this. Over and over again. This one keeps coming back.
Pretty relentless, self, don’t you think?
MICHIE, DO YOU EVEN LIKE ME?
On those days, I find it’s hard to even like myself for a moment and I’m left grasping for an inkling of a mere sentiment of something that is the ‘good in me.’
You see, this whole self love thing isn’t really easy every day. I feel as if I’ve lived most of my life semi-aware, but also blind to the fact that I often don’t even like myself. So often I am focused on who I love, who do I love? That person I am focused on– the one I am so “in love” with is, of course, always another person.
Yet,there are days when it feels as though I don’t even prefer to be around myself and certainly do not like– definitely not love– myself. In fact my relationship with me feels more like loathing on those days and I’m left wondering what others must think if even I detest myself?
THE MONSTER MASH
So here I am on this date looking to find some of that ‘good in me’ today or make some I guess.
I have felt like a monster, an actual physical monstrosity, for a few days given the sight of the black eye. Not only has the actual sight and pain of the eye had me pretty down, but I’m also pretty pissed at myself considering I decided to misstep and accidentally headbutted my own teammate giving myself this fate. Most injuries I’ve experienced were from mistakes of my own, ones my brain will NEVER let me forget.
My brain doesn’t just spin on one thing, like the ‘tangible’ (but please don’t actually touch) black eye. My brain spins on moments in sports, pivotal moments the most.
When I play well, it is so fun to let my brain soar. I watch it again and again. The whole game comes into frame in my mind and it’s like watching some sports movie and the home team wins. I have re-lived every try I have scored one million times.
The thing is my brain doesn’t differentiate. I live and spin in the bad moments just the same. So when I mess up and smash my face on a teammate, or something worse, it can repeat over and over. I never know when that brain spin is coming or if it will be the good or bad. I just know I want to learn to stop it.
I figure continuing to spin on that in my brain isn’t going to get me less annoyed and it certainly isn’t going to make me any prettier.
I am trying this thing on the dates where I busy myself instead of letting my brain stew and burn over the same things that are annoying me. The productivity of such brain events has not seemed to help me throughout this life so this is the attempt to block that.
Instead of continuing to let my brain stew, burn, and spin on this black eye that knocked me back down a few pegs, I am going to do some things to feel pretty today. In this way, I am hoping for a cliché movie pick-me-up type of scene.
Some of my life nightmares include being still for too long and also shopping, so today I am throwing myself right to the sharks for this clip!
I figure I’m not feeling too hot anyway so how much worse can this make it? The point of this is to try new things, get a little uncomfortable, and break that discomfort at some point so here goes…
PLUS I have ALWAYS wanted to do a movie montage.
The shopping was actually amazing. I very much needed things that fit my body again and felt pretty damn hot trying on things that actually fit. Also when I want to leave, I get to leave when I am solo so that’s cool.
This is still not ‘retail therapy’ to me or whatever some psychos call it, but I did the damn thing by myself so that feels pretty good.
As for the pedicure, my goodness! Where has this been my entire life? I mean could anyone not enjoy getting this done? I normally hate sitting still but this was obviously a luxury and a half– not something I will ever do often but once in a while, I might need a pampered teacher lady pedicure night. Thanks, Mich.
Learning: Sometimes even our own brains are wrong. Remind your brain you’re worthy again and again.
PRESENT DAY 2021
Activity/ Place: Writing Solo-date, My very own office in Albany, NY
Date: March 21, 2021
THOUGHTS OF A CALM MIND
Reflecting on the time in my life has been harder at times than others. Certainly reflecting on days like this ‘cheer up’ date are more difficult than others. This brings to mind the idea that we actually don’t know what people are going through. The picture I took of me in that outfit was the prettiest I had ever felt in my entire life and yet, I had taken myself out to cheer up because I felt worthless. I felt like there was no ‘good in me’ and some days I bet we all feel like that.
Right now, my mind is calm. It isn’t racing or in that state I was describing then, that spinning brain. This is when I truly can reflect and change- when my mind is still. When my mind is spinning, I just have to survive it.
Before therapy, diagnosis, and eventually meds, everything felt like that surviving mode. I was unaware when my brain would go and where and for how long.
I started talk therapy right after my solo dates unaware that there were words for my patterns, unaware of my diagnosis.
I was aware that I had documented these dates for a year though and I was aware that it seemed like different people had gone on those solo dates… which was odd considering they were solo dates after all.
The initial 100 solo dates were the beginning of me understanding me. The rest of this life is the continuation of that.
Learning(s): You never know what people are going through so spread your light when you have it. When you don’t, fight the dark like hell.
Learning(s): No matter how ugly things are right now, they’ll get better with time.