I’m the kind of person who thinks forward without even trying, and I mean VERY FORWARD. I see things now and what they lead to and then I imagine the way it’s supposed to be. 

Some people have told me I need to be careful and not count my chickens before they hatch, because I do. I think I tend to do that because I’m a dreamer. Something happens and I see the big picture so quickly. I see the dream. I feel the dream. And to me, it’s already real. It’s not just a dream at all. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. 

My life in most ways seemed to fall into the way it was supposed to be. I loved rugby so much, I stayed at my university for my Masters to get another year of rugby on my team. This led to such an amazing teaching program; it was literally unreal how amazing my Masters program was. It was clearly the way it was supposed to be. 

That program led me to an advisor, Lisa, who single handedly pushed me out of a rut in a bad time in my life and set me up for the first real teaching position I had, which was made for me. A student in my first resource room said my spirit animal was the mother deer, meant to care for her fawns. It was the way it was supposed to be. 

With past partners, this meant seeing our wedding on our first date. Picking apartments in my mind, thinking of how they’d want the kitchen or the kid’s room to be. We would build them bunk beds for activities when we had our second. I saw right away the way it was supposed to be. 

[Side note– luckily, I didn’t scare away the love of my life when I told him I loved him within a month. I guess he knew that this was actually how it was supposed to be!] 

The point is I see the future so quickly. It’s hard when things don’t come to fruition. It’s hard when it’s different than my brain said it would be. It’s very hard for me to reposition, and rethink what the future is going to be without constantly reminding myself of the way it was supposed to be. 

Moving on from the way it was supposed to be has ALWAYS been such a struggle, to the point where sometimes I still see that future that 16-year-old me or 25-year-old me saw. My brain ruminates, my worst symptom. A ruminating brain reminds you every day of the way it was supposed to be, the way YOU were supposed to be. 

But that isn’t the way it is. And I wasn’t that way. And…. You can’t go back. 

The only thing that seems to get me through these times is looking at the current beautiful things in my life. 

For one I have a partner that I couldn’t have imagined with that 16-year-old dream or that 25-year-old dream. No one like him had ever existed in my world before. And so that future that was supposed to be, would never have allowed for my Shawn. And some of the most terrible things, illnesses, and horrible weekends that have happened in my life, were only okay because Shawn was there to save the day and guard my heart.  

Later, my partner moved away and with that, I left a home I never expected to leave. When you find the one, you follow them across the world– or to Danbury CT–either way, I left the way it was supposed to be. 

In my head, the way it was supposed to be, I would retire from my long loved Albany High School, where I spent almost 9 years. I would have the same retirement party I’d been to at Martel’s and people would be enjoying it so much, they’d talk right over my speech. I never intended to leave; that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. 

I guess things just don’t ever turn out the way it was supposed to be.

Starting over is so hard. Walking away from the way it was supposed to be is excruciating at times. I’ve said it actually hurt me at the soul level at times; it shocks the system and body.

Over time that fades, and reality sets in. Sometimes a COMPLETELY different and new reality, a new normal sets in.

In those times, I just have to remind myself that even though my brain is telling me that this is the way it was supposed to be, it’s not the way it’s going to be. And that’s okay because I know this way will be better, and it’ll be real.