Then 2014- 6 Years and a Day Ago
September 17, 2014
Solo date 5
Activities: Running/Food/Sunset Chasing
Where? Short trail run on Indian Ladder to the overview of the sunset at Thacher Park and Ice Cream from Toll Gate
Bubble moment! This date I realized that some of the best reflecting is done alone on a run by the sunset followed by ice cream. Who knew your head could be so clear? Mine is usually screaming a million things at once, but there is a certain clarity I’m finding in the solitude.
This date I have love on the brain and not the self love kind, but the ooey gooey romance kind.
I have been trying to focus on other things but right now, I have love on the brain and it has dropped to the floor like dead weight. It won’t let me pick it up and move it anywhere.
When I have love on the brain, romantic love that is, it’s hard for me to focus on anything else.
That’s the thing. I’m a little extreme. Everything in my life is a little extreme, maybe more like obsessive even. I don’t really know how to like anything. ONLY LOVE IT. With dating, it’s especially hard because I always fall really hard. I even fall hard in friendships. It’s like one second I like a person and next second I’m falling off the cliff in love with the person. Absolutely obsessed. Splat under the mountain.
I write sonnets and books of love poems about the women in my love life or I fear I’d explode with words of love on a daily basis, or my head would literally explode like a FemBot from Austin Powers.
Maybe some people just feel things differently and maybe I just love differently. Love is my absolute favorite feeling. I mean I think it’s like that for all of us, no? I just seek it out more than the average. That’s why I think I am finding it so hard to remove it from the focus of my life. I still find myself falling into those thoughts of desiring another person in my life.
This constant desire to be a ‘we’ is why it seems to take so much time out of my life. I think I see these solo dates as a way to seek out that time with myself instead. I think I just want to see the beauty in a life of me, myself, and I before I discover that other pronoun.
Do not get me wrong, I have not stopped dating other people. Outside of these solo dates, I have been seeing some pretty wonderful women. As I’m focused on myself and solo dates, it really isn’t the time to settle down with someone. I certainly am enjoying dating both myself and them.
My romantic dating time is, however, now divided with my own solo dates. That’s the key difference. I’m making my life primarily about me still. It feels like the women I’m dating are way more into me at this moment than in the past. I guess it’s attractive to be working on yourself so diligently. I mean I want to date me, too, right now.
Finding: If you’re going to be obsessed with someone, it should be you.
Now I’m not the kind of person that takes love lightly OBVIOUSLY. No, I’m kind of a lot when it comes to love as I stated! I’m ‘a lot’ in the sense that I believe all love should be romantic, even if it isn’t lasting or exclusive even. I believe in the candle lit dinner, flowers on the first date, kissing in the rain type love shit. I believe in holding someone close whether we labeled it or not. I believe in finding a place to hold hands and watch the sunset.
Now this kind of thinking and behavior definitely makes some people I date think I am ‘a lot’ too soon or too much or whatever crap men say to their friends about women to villanize them as crazy.
I used to be afraid of this title or embarrassed, but now I like that I’m a lot.
I’m not saying I like to scare people away, but I like to be a lot. I like that I love hard.
Women have told me they’ve never been loved by anyone like me, before and some even after. They’ve never had things written or spoken about them like I have. They’ve never felt how I make them feel about themselves.
I have a gift of seeing the good in people and I make sure they see it too.
So what if I scare the wrong people away? I have had some pretty amazing times with the right ones. Remember relationships can be super successful and loving even if they don’t last forever. And someone saying they have never been loved like me feels pretty great even if it went up in flames at the end. *Extremes*
The big thing about dates specifically that I love is showing someone that they were worth putting the time in to make an actual plan. That is where the solo date idea came from. Time for yourself is important and worth putting the time aside for. There are so many people who forget that their time with themselves is just as important as their time with other people. My 100 solo dates may only be a short year, but I think this may be something I need to continue forever.
What are we without growth, without trying to find things we’re good at, the things we enjoy? What partner wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to learn new things or find out anything new? Not a partner I want for sure. Stagnant is boring and ugly to me. I don’t want stagnant for me or my partner. I’m all about goals and I need someone like that for sure.
Before that, I have to BE someone like that.
There’s a reason people go off and try to find new partners when they’re married for a long time! You get stuck in a rut and you’re the exact same person, stagnant. You’re bitter that you’re the same person because you feel that the person you’re with should be pushing you to be a different or better person– but that’s your job, dammit! If you don’t figure out how to do that job when you’re alone, you’re never gonna do that job when you’re with someone.
Learnings: Plan dates for yourself with just as much effort as you plan for dates with friends and lovers.
Be a forever learner when it comes to yourself. No one will do it for you.
Present Day 2020
September 17, 2020
Oddly enough these reflections keep coming up at times in my life when they truly mirror my current experiences. I can’t even explain reading these sometimes as it feels like my past self is almost mocking me like: HAHA YOU LEARNED THIS ALREADY. Well, that is why we write and why memoir writing is so powerful. Some things about us are remarkably circling and cycling. We learn and unlearn and relearn ourselves.
I still do fall insanely hard and just as fast to the point that it is eerie reading these words. Women tend to UHaul, and for you straight folks, that is exactly what it sounds like. We tend to “move in” right away or at least figuratively.
One of my romantic girlfriends for example stayed over one night and then we never slept apart until we broke up. Those are UHaul lesbians. We UHaul in and we UHaul out.
Men are TERRIFIED of the UHaul. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I’ve classically dated women. Men run, while women almost expect it.
Certainly, I have been putting an insane amount of time into my solo-dates or solo time again at this point in my life. The more I do, the more I feel on fire, and the closer I am to the ‘Michie Smash’ I want to be again.
I still find it amazing when I find that I ran on these solo dates, because I hated it so much. I guess it always cleared my head though and I do love a good reward system so I still try to earn myself the ice cream I have. Now, running is this huge joy and release. I usually only end a run now because time doesn’t allow for more. My most clear moments and thoughts come during my runs. I continue to be a lifelong learner and find out more things I love.
Some things never change and that’s okay!
Love hard without regard for what others think.
Continue to look for yourself again WITHOUT REGARD FOR WHAT OTHERS THINK