While getting to know my students the first week, there was one who shared that they struggle with feeling left out. He said it’s hard for him when he doesn’t feel accepted, even if “there’s no reason to feel that way” which I took as meaning he can perceive it when it isn’t even happening. 

Now this struck a chord with me as I’ve struggled with the same thing my whole life. 

I’ve always struggled with belonging, with feeling like I belong in a group. The feelings of being the fat kid left out just never seems to really fade, even if, like my student, these are merely perceived. 

Unless very explicitly included, I will not know what to do in a new group. I’m prone to feeling excluded, unsure where to put myself. 

I think social anxiety isn’t expected in the boisterous.

Loud, extroverts like me are supposed to be able to break into things easily, right? 

Well it’s just never been that easy for me. 

I think this is why I find students and other adults with similar issues. We find each other. 

There’s a kind of beauty in being able to help someone struggling with the same things as you. 

Making friends as an adult can be just as terrifying as starting a new high school as a student, and so I can honestly say to the kids “I’m right there with you,” and figure out how to handle it. 

I work endlessly on myself, a task we all face for our lifetime. No matter how much I progress, there’s always a side of me that is close to shutting down, close to feeling like that fat kid who isn’t good enough. Fighting through that feeling is a lifetime battle.

I told that student that we’re in it together and I meant that. 

The thing is we have to focus on what we can control. I heard this song that’s been stuck in my head for days and while the overall message is not it,  the main phrase is “Sue me. I want to be wanted.”

And I can’t help but feel like that. Because it’s reasonable to be wanted, and it’s reasonable to want to be included.

In this life we have to focus on what we can control. And so that’s what I’ve been doing and that’s what I told the student, who has “a few close friends.” Go where you are wanted and valued. 

As adults, I think we all know that a few close friends is a hell of a lot better than merely a million acquaintances. We crave closeness and inclusion, to be seen for what we are and loved, flaws included. 

Being at the height of the teacher busy season, I’ve kind of doubled down on the Drake “No new friends” vibe, and that isn’t the best thing. For right now, it’s what I need though. 

What I mean is that I know where I feel wanted and I know where I feel happy. So right now I’m finding ways to make time for the people who make me feel valued and wanted. 

Sometimes that means traveling an hour and a half to my hometown, or Albany where the majority of my adult life has been. It means finding those spaces again that spark joy, getting myself to some rugby practices and fighting the all or nothing mindset.

I appreciate the time with my friends more than I think I have ever before. I’ve felt what it’s like to get so busy that you don’t make the time and you end up feeling isolated. It sucks. 

This isn’t to say that I won’t try to fit into other places, but I don’t feel ready to put myself out there. Moving to a new place is hard, so right now I’m giving myself the experiences I need and spending time with the people who I truly feel like myself around. I not only feel wanted in these spaces but truly value the people in those communities and what they bring to my life as well. 

The biggest thing for me that I’ve actually gained from feeling like this is that I am naturally inclusive and say the positive things I think about other people instead of keeping it to myself. I say out loud specifically why the people in my life are awesome, because we all need to hear that feedback. And sometimes what we don’t hear, we don’t believe. 

I would never purposely make someone else feel left out. I think none of us purposely make someone feel left out, at least when we’re adults. I have found though that I have a 6th sense about who is feeling left out, and I’ve made some of my best friends through getting through that together. 

The word inclusion means so much to me as a special educator, but also just as a human. At the end of the day, no one wants to be disregarded. We all just want to be included.