I recently started following a coach online who for years looked absolutely perfect body wise. Now this coach has admitted to gaining about 50 lbs and getting to a place where they never expected to be again. I, myself, am in the same boat. I finally lost all the weight I ever wanted to, and yet here I am after gaining it back.

BODY LOATHING

In following this person, it’s given me space to understand that I’m not alone in how I’ve been feeling or the situation I’m in. I don’t think I’ve ever hated my body as fiercely as I hate it right now.

That’s not to say I’m not happy. There are so many good things in my life right now.

However, it feels like I’m back to being the fat kid who’s left out. Not even intentionally left out at times, but when you’re fat the world is just not made for you.

The rides aren’t made for you. The plane’s not made for you. Things are not made for fat people.

Even the movies are hard right now. There are theaters that are old and not made for the width of the hips I have right now.

BODY LOVE AND IDENTITY

There’s been times in my life where I’ve truly loved my big fat body. Right now, I just can’t find it though.

I feel best on days where I prove to myself that I can still physically do things I love. This past weekend I went hiking with my boyfriend and the feeling of not only being in nature, but proving to myself that I can still do hard things was amazing.

I love adventure and I especially love physical adventures. Part of me and my identity has always been the athlete, before I was even a rugby player.

THE STRONG RUGBY PLAYER

At 18, rugby came into my life and I finally found the sport where I didn’t have any fatal flaws. I could tackle. I could maul. I could scrum. And I could score. Rugby was it. I found it.

Rugby gave me a place that celebrated me for being big, for being strong, for having thighs that will never have a gap. Rugby made me feel strong, not just fat. I was never left behind in rugby.

My identity and the things I value most about myself came out at rugby events. Both matches and volunteer work, both socials and helping to coach the youth rugby kiddos. Rugby brought about this dynamic persona, this person I loved. I loved myself the most when I was playing good team rugby, and when it felt easy on the field.

So much of my identity feels off right now. I’m not a person who hates their body. That’s not me. That’s not supposed to be me.

But right now it is.

My desire to do the things I physically want gives me an ache in my soul I can’t explain.

A few years ago, I got myself to the most fit I’ve ever been, literally.

I was fast as I’ve ever been. I was running long distances. Stairs were not hard, and in fact I chose them over an elevator when it was faster.

THE FAT KID LEFT OUT

Now, it feels as though I’m back to being the left out fat kid. I have friends and people I love, but when you’re slow, when you’re fat– you get left behind so often.

I’ve always said ‘it’s fine.’ ‘I didn’t want to do that thing anyway.’ ‘You guys go.’ ‘You don’t have to wait, I’ll be right behind you.’

The thing is I do want to go. I do want to ride that ride. I do want to climb the thing, and do that race. I don’t want to walk right behind you. I want to be in the group.

I just can’t right now. And that sucks. There’s no other way to put it. I can’t do the thing and it sucks.

I want it. I do, but I am finding it hard to dig back physically from where I’ve let myself get.

My focus and effort and time has HAD to be on my career for the last two years. So I know there are reasons I yo yo diet, and I value so many other things about myself. I do. But if I’m not a rugby player, what the hell am I anymore? Just fat?

Rugby gave me a place where big was good and accepted, even fat. My body was always celebrated for that even.

Now I’m just in the large world that doesn’t feel large enough for me. I lie in the world of being weight checked, not allowed to do certain things. Towels that don’t fit, and fat people double standards of clothing where short is too short for me, but not for that girl over there. I love in a world where I check chairs first to make sure I don’t break another one. I live in the world of the fat kid turned adult left behind.

I’LL STAY WITH YOU

That said, my entire adult life, especially in the athletic sense, I’ve worked so hard to make sure no one was left behind. I ran with the other slow ruggers (not that I had a choice haha) but I made sure to lift them up and not leave them behind if I could. I’ve stayed with the friend who walks slow too. I’ve made sure that if I could, I’d stop anyone else from feeling that way.

THE RUGBY WAY

I value the players who did that for me and I remember it. That’s just the rugby way. I remember the practices where I was young and almost sobbed coming in last at practice runs, where somehow a fast back from the team was next to me all of a sudden. Inclusion inherently dripped from the pitch. We were one.

I miss rugby because that’s what rugby is and was to me. Rugby is where I wasn’t the fat kid that was left out. Rugby gave me life, a life where I accepted and loved my body. It gave me a place to work to include others. It was a place to help other women find that place for them.

TAKE AWAYS

I’m not sure what I’m looking for in writing this, except what I got out of reading that coach, which is reading something that was exactly what I was going through. Reading that I’m not the only athlete who has come to this place.

There is something different about achieving your fitness goals and the body you’ve always wanted, and then losing it.

I’m not sure if it’d be easier if I never got there but I do know I don’t expect to be in a similar scenario in my life again that led me there. During COVID, my whole life was virtual teaching and running. I didn’t have anything else so of course, it was easier.

I can’t find that drive right now and I especially can’t find that time right now. I want to, but it feels so hopelessly far again, and like I was never that person.

I don’t have a lovely end today about my body. In fact, I’d probably sell my soul to the devil to get back there today. I do, however, have so many things I do love about myself. And I think all I can tell anyone struggling with the same is to work on looking at those things. It’s helped me get out of the funk some days… just some of them though.

Today, I will focus on those good things about myself because the body love just isn’t there. I do know that being fat is not evil. Being fat just makes me fat, it doesn’t make me anything else.

I’m still kind. I’m still a caring teacher, who tries so hard every day. I’m a good friend, (an annoying but) great daughter and sister. I’m not just fat, even if it’s the first thing people see. There’s a lot more to me than that.

This is me today, my last day of teaching special education Kindergarten for the summer. I’m proud of my work here, and I want to end with something I’m proud of.