A smashing guide to taking sides

CHILD OF DIVORCE

As a child of divorce, taking sides was never an option.

I have the two coolest parents in my opinion. There are so many good things about both of them. The stories they tell from their past, how they became who they are, all of it. I just think they’re wonderful and unique, and created by these stories.

They couldn’t be more different, but that’s besides the point. I think the world of both of them.

When it comes to your divorced parents, you want to see all the good and it only really matters how they treated you, not each other. I don’t remember my parents together and I’ve heard they had lots of great times but I just don’t remember it that way.

I remember the life I’ve had and in this life, my parents have just never met. Strangers that I have separate lives with, lives I remember in different scenes in my head.

I remember my dad teaching me sports, and my mom teaching me music. I remember hopping on the sofa bed listening to Irish music in my dad’s basement, and jumping on the black couch my mom had while watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Y’all I was breaking couches and chairs no matter what home I was in. That I remember.

Dad led baseball practice for me and my brother, and made sure my glove was tied right. My mom took me to Coconut records to buy the brand new blink-182 album the day it was out, and joined me on a lifelong journey of Blink concerts (even the ones where Tom left to pursue aliens.)

I had two people to bother all the time for all my wants and needs. I know I was a little pain in the ass for both of them the same.

There’s no taking sides when you love both of your parents and no child should ever be forced to choose in that way.

In fact, I had two completely separate but totally loving families. In that way, I had more not less.

THE SPOILS OF DIVORCE

Of course, as an adult, it’s easier to see these things as additions. The spoils of divorce are clearer in hindsight.

Sure when I was young I knew having two vacations was clutch. Having two Christmas celebrations, and a second birthday. Sweet.

However, often as a kid, I just wanted to be normal. It felt like no other kid could understand divorce and having parents that weren’t together. I wished I wasn’t a child of divorce.

Now, as an adult,  I see all the other things I gained from divorce. Like I mentioned, the extra awesome humans I gained who came with extra love and support. All the people in my life from both sides are a blessing and as an adult, I no longer wish I wasn’t a child of divorce.

Now I know I’m blessed to have both awesome parents and their partners.

There’s no taking sides when it’s your parents. 

THE SELF RIGHTEOUS ADULT

Adult life is different.

There are no spoils of divorce in adult life. In adult life, divorce wreaks havoc on friendships and family. Divorce rips adult life to shreds.

When you grow up and watch breakups, and divorce, you just have a whole different perspective than people who have not dealt with it as a child.

You don’t want to take sides, you don’t want to lose either person in a breakup.

However you expect certain things and behaviors from the people in your life. You judge when people do something to their kids or ex that you don’t agree with. When they put their kids in the middle. You want better for your friends. And you want to help. You want to use the knowledge you have to help the situation be better.

RIGHT VERSUS WRONG

I have seen many people fall out of love and certainly everyone knows they never intended it. Falling out of love is hard, but I’ve seen so many wonderful co-parenting situations later in my life. There is nothing inherently wrong with falling out of love, but rather it depends on the choices you make after.

There is falling out of love, and then there’s doing wrong. For example, cheating is wrong. Dead wrong. All the way wrong.

So what do you do when you see “all the way wrong?” Do you stay silent? Do you let it slide? Or do you stand up for what you believe is the right thing?

BREAKING UP

Divorce doesn’t happen because things were perfect and unflawed of course. There’s something that causes it.

It’s really easy, however, to look past the flaws when you weren’t there, and when it feels like they had nothing to do with you.

What happens when you were there though? When you saw it? When you can’t deny the things that happened?

Every single time there’s a breakup surrounding my life, there is a pull to be on one side or the other. That pull is really strong when one of those people has gone against your beliefs, especially when they’re strong beliefs, such as the example of cheating.

So what do you do when you disagree with what one person has done to another?

How do we know when to stand up for a friend and when to stay out of it?

In divorce, and breakups, sometimes it is necessary to take sides or instead reinforce the behavior you don’t agree with. By staying friends with both sides in this event, you are saying you’re okay with whatever went down between the two.

In the case of cheating, especially repeated cheating or similar indiscretions, it feels too selfish to ignore. Even on the outside, looking in, the person wronged or cheated on certainly doesn’t deserve to be thrown away by me as a friend when they were the one wronged.

I mean did I deserve to be thrown away as a friend when I’ve had breakups? I’m not sure, but I have been left out in the aftermath before.

I certainly know I’ve lost friends in a breakup, and I’ve kept friends in a breakup. Some felt justified and some felt shitty, like I lost someone I didn’t deserve to lose.

When it’s coming from your end, do you expect other people to be on your side at the expense of the other?

I’ve tried so hard in my adult life to not have to take sides when these things occur, and to not expect others to have to take sides when things happen to me. As you get older, that just gets harder and harder.

Your beliefs really solidify by your thirties. Watching someone, even someone you love a lot, hurt another person and do wrong makes it very difficult to not take sides.

It’s even harder when you’re equally close to both parties– what are the rules? I need rules.

I wish there were rules. Being a teacher lady, I follow the rules like the nerd I am. I just want rules for this, to know what to do– to know I did and am doing the right thing.

Maybe there just are no rules in this case.

I suppose this kind of thing goes on a case-to-case basis, because life can’t be easy.

I guess in the end, there is no guide to taking sides.