THE THING ABOUT GETTING OLDER 

I think we all struggle with getting older. 

It’s not that I’m embarrassed to be 34, or even to be where I am in life. I love my job. I love my partner. And I worked really hard to get here, and so did he.

Right now I just feel so disconnected from the communities I’ve been a part of so long. 

When you’re young, things are so easy when it comes to your social life. I lived with my friends for years. There was no planning to make sure I saw my friends. They were there, I was there, and we were ready to go watch the Bills or the Raiders depending on what friend invited me to the bar. 

We cooked together, drank together, did squats in the kitchen together,  commiserated about work and why our students called us ma’am already in our 20s. 

Then life shifted. We found partners, had babies (not me, but some of we!), moved for work, went back to school. Prioritizes changed. We grew up. 

WHERE DOES ADULT ME BELONG? 

I found that as I’ve gotten older I felt more and more that I didn’t fit in anywhere. 

I’ve always felt this sense of jealousy that my friends and different groups have gotten to stay close to each other in both proximity and emotionally. 

It’s not that I don’t have people that I love who love me back. You just don’t have the same relationship with other people who live close together. 

I’ve struggled with this sense of belonging as an adult, and maybe I always have. 

Again, I have many friends that I truly enjoy and I’m working to be better about planning. Things are just not easy in that way anymore. 

PARENT LIFE 

My closest friend Jill, both in proximity and emotion, still lives about half an hour away. She’s my sorority sister and back in the day, we lived together. I would wake up and go downstairs to her room, tell her to move over and watch shows together. On days we drive together to her home, it feels like 10 minutes, but it isn’t. She doesn’t live downstairs anymore… we grew up. 

I love the hell out of her two kids, and they call me Aunt Mushy since when the oldest was tiny that’s how she said Michie (said like “Mishee”.) The thing is two kids are two extra little humans who have this whole life of their own. Having two kids is having two extra lives of YOUR own until they can go do their own thing. 

Planning is not easy with anyone but especially difficult with parents. 

Noting that, I do want to say that I’m so blessed to have the relationship I do with their family. We’ve combined a lot of friend time with hang out with the kids and play Barbie time, and of course doing art, painting, rocks, all the sorority crafting things that luckily follow you along into adulthood. 

ONE ON ONE FRIENDS 

The thing is at this point maybe I’m at what my other good friend Laura called a time in our life where we have mostly one-on-one friends. 

Now there is nothing wrong with that. I love when one on one time with my friends and I’m finding as I get older, I’m more and more overwhelmed by bigger events. I prefer small events, intimate quality time with people I’m close to. 

COMMUNITY

The thing is that longing is still there– the longing for community. I guess I always got that out of being on a large rugby team. 

The community was there. The events were there. There’s a commonality in playing and you get close just by existing on the team. You protect each other’s physical body, as well as everything else.

For so many years I could have a group at the bar that day. I could make plans the next week merely by asking if anyone wants to go to eat after practice. 

The community of rugby is so much more than just the sport. I know I’m not losing rugby and I’m not losing the friends I’ve made. Getting older though–it’s just not the same. 

GETTING OLDER 

I share this because I guess I’m wondering if we all feel this way. 

Getting older is really hard in a lot of ways. This one has just been the hardest for me. 

Rugby is a lifestyle. I’m blessed to have found a partner who also loves rugby, and some of my favorite games of my entire life were hearing him cheer for me. My favorite being when I did score in front of him, and I heard him from across the field scream, “That’s my girl!!”

I miss playing rugby fiercely. But I truly miss my team more. It feels like that scene in sandlot when everyone starts fading away. 

Kate went off and married Kate. Meg moved to a farm out in Balston Spa. Liz and Erica work on planting a garden the size of my entire yard. And so on and so on.  

Retiring from anything you love is so hard. I imagine this is true for anyone and anything. The thing here is that rugby has been what my whole life has been based around. 

I’ve missed weddings for games. I’ve traveled most weekends every fall and spring. I’ve worked out from the second I left work to when it was dark when we had big games coming up. 

RUGBY HAS BEEN EVERYTHING

Right now there’s this whole big hole I’m looking to fill. 

Running has been a really wonderful release for me, but it’s really a solo thing. I’ve gotten comfortable running alone. I do love a friend date where we can run together but overall running feels good alone. I go my pace when I’m alone. I smile and enjoy the outside. Running lets me think and feel things, and just be at one with myself. So I love running but it just doesn’t fill that same space. 

I love being 34, but right now I’m guess I’m just looking for more.